


Building A Container

by chasingtheskyline



Category: The Fourth Messenger - Shaffer/Teng
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 06:18:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8317093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingtheskyline/pseuds/chasingtheskyline
Summary: After Enlightenment, Mama Sid starts to look inward and shed her misperceptions.





	

Enlightenment felt rather normal, you could say. Nothing had really changed, except that Mama Sid’s hundred thousand lifetimes had come to an end. There was still that aching, that strange feeling that her insides were just a little bit out of place. It had been constant ever since she became the “guru”, nothing, no one. Now it was worse than ever.

There was a special meditation cushion in her yurt, a gift from a monk in Denmark made of blue silk crepe. It was the only luxury she allowed herself, a bright spot in the blank white of her rooms. Sid sat, letting her sit bones settle deep into it, her legs tucked up in lotus, elbows to knees. She closed her eyes. Instead of erasing thoughts from her mind, she let them flow, turned them over, examined them with the eye of a scientist.

She remembered Raina’s words as she sat opposite her last week, before the story and the resulting chaos. _“You're holding up a mirror for us to understand ourselves.”_ Even after telling her daughter the twisted tale of her life, Sid spent all her time focusing outward, pouring all her soul into her clients. She herself was the hard, impenetrable block, just a prop for this mirror, this canvas where anyone could paint their picture of who they wanted her to be.

For a moment Sid dropped the mirror. The glass shattered in her skull and her Self was revealed: china-white and afraid, a doll with wire joints. _Breathe through the fear, name the fear._ _What am I afraid of?_ This fear had no name, no cause, or too many causes, too much over too long. _I’m hungry._ “You have food. You can rise and get some whenever you want.” _I can’t find shelter. I’m cold._ “It’s warm here now, you're safe.” _I’m sick._ “You survive.” _I left Yasha and Raina. I want to go back to them_. “Raina is here now. She's beautiful and ambitious and you love her so, so much.” _I’m going to die._ “Yes, you are. Not now.”

  
The Self turned dark, smoky, flitting in and out where Sid couldn't reach it. The fear was gone, taken care of, but nothing was coming to fill the space. _Tell me who you are_.

“I am Sid. I am you.”

 _No you're not._ “Yes, I am,” she paused, then added, “I am no one.”

 _No._ Sid laughed. “Okay, okay. I am a teacher, a mother.”

 _Yes. More. In this body, on this plane, who are you?_ “I am aware of all the bodies that came before me. I love the whole world, every person, every animal that ever existed. I help them find enlightenment because it is my duty and my passion. I am intelligent and morally upright, though flawed. I am comfortable.”

 _Are you at peace?_ “No. I worry for them, I worry for the world, and that is right so long as it doesn't consume me.”

 _Do they know you_? “No. I am not open. I must be open. They must know me for their own sakes, and mine. I must be seen as well as reflect.”

 _How do you plan to do that?_ “I’ve started, barely. With Raina. I must continue. I’ll keep composure, but express emotions as they come. I will pay attention to my needs, take care of my last life. I won’t fall prey to illusions, and I won't wear a mask. Not anymore.”

The Self grew more cohesive, condensing into a dark ball before turning into an image of Sid, like the one on Raina’s book. “NO! Kill that. It’s not me.”

Sid remembered joking with Raina in this very room, laughing so hard she almost fell over. Never in her life had she felt so free. At dinner and with clients she kept quiet, letting them talk. They needed that more than she did. But that sort of back-and-forth, the partnership of two people in conversation, was something she loved. It wasn't a desire, only an ideal for when reflection wasn't necessary, when she could switch off. Even with Andy, who saw her as this _godly figment_ , it wasn't a true partnership, like it should have been. He served her only to serve himself.

_Kill the figment, kill the fantasy, even when I’m teaching. I’m here, and they can take me or leave me._

  


“Mama? Mama, are you okay?” Raina called as Sid’s eyes snapped open. It was dark, probably past dinner. “There's a reporter here from Hamburg to speak with you.”

Sid rose, pulling Raina into an embrace. “Tell her to join tomorrow’s discussion. I haven't eaten yet, and I’m too tired to explain right now.” Raina nodded. “While you're out there, could you get me some soup? I’d like to talk while I eat.”

 Raina turned to leave as Sid walked around the yurt, setting her small table. “Oh, and if any _guest_ had a meeting with me this afternoon, bring them, too. We can chat.”

 “All of us? About what? Don't you want privacy?”

 “Yes, all of us, about anything. There's no hiding here. I should remember that.”


End file.
